As 2015 disappears into the distant memory of broken strings and replaced tubes, I’ve decided that my final post of the year should be a tongue in cheek look at how to use the internet, and mainly social media, in 2016. As always, this is just me talking nonsense and doesn’t represent the feelings of Wampler Pedals etc 😉
- A friend buys a new toy (guitar, amp, pickups, pedals, house, car, planet, underwear, tevz): Instantly post in the thread about how “XYZ” is better because you own it (as you probably don’t like them getting new stuff and you, obviously, are the world expert on this item and other associated with it);
- Someone posts a clip of their playing or whatever they are working on musically at that time. It’s your duty to undermine it and point out what they do wrong. After all, they aren’t that good anyway because they couldn’t play that tapping bit you could at the age you first played it at!;
- You must take 5 selfies a day and post so we can share in your constant need to see your own face (let’s face it – when man first went to the moon in 1969 they took 5 pictures which is approximately 1/100th of the amount taken in the restroom mirror of by virtually every girl in every nightclub in every country on every night);
- You once met *insert famous person here* and had your photo taken with them. Make sure you use this as your profile pic whilst calling them “your good friend” at all times (guilty as charged on this one 😉 );
- You microwave a meal: Sprinkle a tasteless herb over the top, put it on your best plate on a nice wooden table and then Instagram it. You must then share the post on FB making out you are Gordon freaking Ramsey;
- You have a “fan page” on Facebook: Repeatedly invite all your friend list into submission (so they eventually like it just to shut you up) and then you make a gushing post about how humble you are that people have liked your work; After all, you’re just a humble musician and it’s amazing how many people “get” you musically;
- There is slight adverse weather forecast/upon you: Educate the world on the situation as you obviously have a degree in Meteorology and after all, you’ve been outside and got jolly wet and there is no knowledge like the knowledge gained from having boots on the ground;
- You are bored and lonely: Post pictures of cats, or maybe “comedy” memes involving cats, all the time;
- Attention seeking posts. You must, infrequently, post things like “WTF….” or “I’ve had enough!” as your Facebook status. This way, all your lovely friends can fill up the thread with “s’up hun”, “txt me babez”, “u OKz?” or other various deviations from the language that only apply to attention seeking Facebook status updates that will make you feel better, or self important, or something I don’t quite understand;
- You are lucky enough to see a popular TV first compared to the rest of the world. You openly talk about the most important part of the plot and don’t give a crap how much it ruins the enjoyment for others, because you’ve seen it, so who cares!;
- The R.I.P. race. You must be the first person to post R.I.P. about someone who has just died, that way you be the person to tell everyone the news. You then have approximately 1 hour to research that person on the internet so you can give the impression of being a lifelong fan of them and regail all your favourite memories of them on other peoples threads;
- You are the member of a gym: Tell everyone all the time you are going and post repeated pictures of your weight/loss gain to improve your self esteem safe in the knowledge you are probably intimidating others at the same time. Total win/win. But please, don’t forget, there is nothing better than posting pictures of your veiny arms with the word GAINZ written under it;
- Remember, you own You Tube so have the right to destroy anyone who posts on it. And yes, writing “First” is still hilarious and makes you immensely important and a valuable part of humanity;
- Speed is everything. You must upload a video ‘proving’ to the world you can play at 3200bpm. Speed is all that matters despite every other guitar player on the planet knowing that playing at this speed is both impossible and the concept is utterly nonsense. Speed is great, at the right time, speed competitions are… well…. I better move on before I say something I shouldn’t;
- You are the world expert on politics or theology. Your view is the only one that counts so you must make sure you tell everyone you can what is right and wrong and should they have a differing opinion, they are wrong and you must destroy them intellectually; and
- You spot a spelling mistake in someone’s post: Mark their work like some FB teacher and delight in pointing out their errors. After all, you are the Oxford English freaking Dictionary and invented the language in the first place.
DISCLAIMER: *of course, my constant mocking of people and winding them up on FB is excluded from all of the above.
Happy New Year tone chasers I hope that 2016 lives up to expectation, may it be full of great tone, love, light and laughter. Remember, you are beautiful, talented and most importantly you are wonderfully unique. Take what you have been born with and make the most of it. Work hard and play harder.
Tomorrow is the first blank page of a brand new 365 page book, make it your best story yet.
Most importantly, if you love someone, tell them – there is no feeling better than being loved. 🙂
(apologies for sounding like Jerry Springer at the end there)
2015, The End. I’m off to get drunk, see you in 2016… 🙂